Cain and Abel: A Legacy of Shame

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”
Brene Brown

Two children born to parents who have been ripped from their womb and thrown into a world they are not prepared for, a world with judgement. This is the beginning of the world we live in. Bereishit Bara Elohim, might be the beginning of creation but the beginning of life as we know it, starts with human connection. “And Adam knew Chavah his wife…” and within the same sentence Adam is rejected as partner, and Chavah connects with YHVH as the pasuk reads "kaniti ish et Adonai" I acquired a man with God. By the second line their is no mention of their earthly parents, the children of that connection are left to themselves,  seemingly disconnected from their human parents. Left to explore a world that is foreign to those that conceived them they find their way through the work of their hands, Hevel a shepherd and Kayin a farmer...

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Interestingly our protagonist has chosen to take on the task that was earlier cursed. But today we will not be exploring this story through the lens of who chose the better profession. Rather we will remove the question of why one sacrifice was accepted and one was not. Steinbeck, in his novel East of Eden, discusses this story through the lens of rejection and its aftermath. God shows us the effects of living in a world that holds judgement, suddenly acceptance and rejection hold a power that can determine fate.

"Lee answered Samuel. “I think this is the best-known story in the world because it is everybody’s story. I think it is the symbol story of the human soul. I’m feeling my way now—don’t jump on me if I’m not clear. The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt—and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would not be many jails. It is all there—the start, the beginning. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt; and another steals so that money will make him loved; and a third conquers the world—and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt. The human is the only guilty animal. Now wait! Therefore I think this old and terrible story is important because it is a chart of the soul—the secret, rejected, guilty soul..."

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For Steinbeck rejection leads to shame, shame to anger, anger to bad action, and we return back where we started, rejected once again.. This cycle leads us down a spiral of shame that keeps us imprisoned.  The rejection, shame cycle is insidious and keeps us from admitting our mistakes, taking responsibility and forgiving ourselves.

Ultimately we have all been rejected at one time or another. But if we grew up in homes with parents that could not mirror back to us our inherent goodness, parents who could not see their own self worth, we are left with a belief that we are unworthy of love. Qayin’s own parents are not found in the text, he is an abandoned child, and yet he finds a way to reach out to YHVH, he tries to come close through a korban (the root krv means to come close)  and is again met with rejection. God triggers his earlier abandonment and he is unable to step out of his pain. Qayin has entered a shame spiral. Brene Brown in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) describes this response.

‘…There’s new brain research that is helping us understand that shame can be so threatening that, rather than processing it in the neocortex—the advanced part of the brain that allows us to think, analyze and react—shame can signal our brains to go into our very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode. In this mode, the neocortex is bypassed and our access to advanced, rational, calm thinking and processing of emotion all but disappears. The primitive part of the brain springs into action and that’s when we find ourselves becoming aggressive, wanting to run and hide or feeling paralyzed; sometimes, without any clue as to why.’    

In our story God tells us that this shame spiral is in our DNA.

:הֲל֤וֹא אִם־תֵּיטִיב֙ שְׂאֵ֔ת וְאִם֙ לֹ֣א תֵיטִ֔יב לַפֶּ֖תַח חַטָּ֣את רֹבֵ֑ץ וְאֵלֶ֨יךָ֙ תְּשׁ֣וּקָת֔וֹ וְאַתָּ֖ה תִּמְשָׁל־בּֽו

If you see within yourself the possibility of goodness it will expand but if not you will be stuck in a spiral of shame. A deep rejection can trigger a lifetime of hidden shame and lead us to cut ourselves off from connection. Unable to empathize with the other, Qayin's response to God “Am I my brother’s keeper?” is completely understandable with what we know about shame. One that experiences shame can not connect, they feel unworthy of connection and they will push everyone away.

“One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt…”

​God tells Qayin at the end of the story that he will wander the earth disconnected from community not because he is being externally punished but rather because the consequence of living within a shame spiral is to cut yourself off. Today we are seeing a world run by just this cycle. Those that live in deep shame use abusive power to keep themselves from feeling the pain of the shame that lives deep within. We must find a new way to heal so that we may connect to the other, apologize for our misdeeds, forgive ourselves and break the cycle.