<![CDATA[Rabbi Esther Azar MSW - Archive]]>Mon, 20 Jul 2026 13:18:08 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[Reclaiming Judaism]]>Tue, 20 Jul 2021 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/reclaiming-judaismOur Rabbi's were clear, Judaism maintains 2 traditions, written and oral. For countless years many have held the earlier ideas and thoughts as more authentic to the original. In this blog we will reclaim the authenticity of a Torah for our times. Reading the words of our Written Torah (Bible) with an oral tradition that changes and shifts with the times we live in was our earliest Rabbi's original intention. An Oral Torah that is informed by the values and needs of society. For if we were to remain stuck in the past we risk creating a Judaism that no longer holds God's original intention, a people dedicated to breaking the cycles of injustice and creating a society where we are each seen in, The  Image of the Divine. 


The Oral tradition must be reclaimed, we are gifted with a history rich in Jewish discourse but we must remember that just as Moshe entered the Beit Midrash of Akiva and had no understanding of what Akiva was teaching so too must Akiva enter our Beit Midrashot and be confused by the Torah we are teaching.
For all is Halakah L'Moshe M'Sinai. 
​Talmud Bavli Menakhot 29b]]><![CDATA[In the Belly of the Beast]]>Thu, 16 Apr 2020 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/in-the-belly-of-the-beast
Picture
​I am a Rabbi and I drank Gin on the second day of Passover without checking whether it was chametz* and when finding out it was I didn't really care, while those around me were outraged. This year as COVID-19 has ravaged the world it was hard for me to focus in on the minutiae of Jewish law. While arguing with too many friends, colleagues and relatives about what it really means to social distance, virtually nursing others through illness, and worrying over my own health I was not in any mood to focus on beautifying my seder table or koshering my pots. But it was not the same for those around me. I watched as people continued to buy fancy dishes and check their rice, argued about whether after being in quarantine for two weeks they could visit their family and wonder whether they had to pay their housekeepers their full salaries if they were not cleaning their houses.
The purpose of a seder is to remind us of what was.

And although I am blessed with many privileges that my biblical ancestors were not; for me in this moment we are actually living through the narrowness that is alluded to in the Hebrew word for Egypt, Mitzrayim.

This is not a HOLIDAY this is Mitzrayim, we are back where we began.

And just like the Slonimer Rebbe teaches about the Israelites in Egypt, today, we are living in the belly of the beast and we are not aware of our own enslavement.
Enslavement to the capitalist, patriarchal, racist overlords that are running the show and pitting oppressed groups against each other.

We have been in the belly of the beast as we continue shopping from Amazon and ignoring #BlackLivesMatter and the #MeToo movement.

We are in the belly of the beast when white skinned Jews stand shocked and cry over mass shootings in synagogues, not recognizing that our black and brown brothers and sisters have been in more danger than our passing white skin.

We are in the belly of the beast when we think we can ignore the planets cries and continue as is.

We are in the belly of the beast when COVID strikes and we continue going to synogague.

We are in the belly of the beast when we think things will go back to how they were.

We are in the belly of the beast when we care more that I ate chametz on Pesach than seeing the true pain and suffering that is built into the oppressive systems that we choose to uphold for our personal gain.

If we believe we are celebrating a holiday called Passover and think God is looking down upon us with joy, we are wrong.

​We need to stop reenacting the oppression of the past and start dealing with oppression in the present.

Stop speaking distorted versions of "torah" and start speaking truth.

​Reality does not care for fancy seder plates.

God is crying, has been for a while now


* chametz- a grain based food forbidden on passover
]]><![CDATA[Trauma Breeds Trauma]]>Thu, 02 Apr 2020 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/trauma-breeds-traumaPicture
I have heard people criticize the miniseries Unorthodox for an unrealistic portrayel of the Satmar community while maintaining that Esty's return to Germany seems implausible.* And while that might be true I want to look at the story through a different perspective without arguing fact or fiction. I want to look at it through the lens of communal Holocaust trauma and healing.  Throughout the series, we are reminded that the  community holds a deeply ingrained reponse to the Holocaust. The message I hear repeated throughout is that they feel a deep responsibility to repopulate the world for the 6 million who were lost. I am struck by the communal trauma response, and the juxtaposition of Esty’s return to the original location of the harm. 
Since the Holocaust Jews have worked hard to remember the harm. Some have built lives based around it, in hopes that it would protect them from future harm. This is a normal trauma response- We try to control the world so we cannot be harmed again. But the series does a good job showing us that  the protection we try to create for ourselves often comes with a high cost. 

But Esty's journey back to the source of communal harm, back to Germany to the place where it all started may seem implausible but may actually be the perfect place for her to return. Oftentimes the victims of harm become perpetrators of new harm in an attempt to protect themselves.  As the Nazis are the perpetrators of the Satmar community, the Satmar community becomes the perpetrators of Esty's harm. Her return to Germany, her ability to return to the place where the Nazis decided on the extermination of the Jews becomes the place where she not only releases herself from the bondage of the community but also allows her to begin to release the PTSD from the original trauma. When Esty removes her wig she signifies the end of her communities attempt to control life in the vain attempt at protection. Her search for self and her reclaiming of a life beyond the walls of protection is when the true healing happens and it is in this moment that the Nazi's truly lose their power. And for me this symbolizes the end of the effects of intergenerational transmission of Holocaust trauma in the place where it all began.
]]><![CDATA[This Thing Called Shame]]>Wed, 19 Jun 2019 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/this-thing-called-shame
this thing called shame

it has no words, a
silence 
that lives just beneath the
surface
whether we are aware or
not. Its ugliness rises up
with the slightest insinuation
and rather than admit it
we block it out and
move forward with a machete
chopping down everything in our path.
rather than asking for help
when life gets tough we
allow perfectionism
to silence us
into overwhelm
and then we attack
whatever we can find that
is just a bit smaller than
ourselves.
]]><![CDATA[The Sanctity of the Poop]]>Mon, 10 Jun 2019 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/the-sanctity-of-the-poopPicture
Just in case y'all were wondering, I have many different writing voices and as I am stepping into my wholeness I am going to be sharing them all. So this one might be just a tad different from the last- Enjoy! 
​
I sat on the toilet reading Annie Dillard and this strange thought crossed my mind, I am not sure I should be reading this in the bathroom. As a Rabbi who studies biblical text in the bathroom, I am surprised by this thought. Her prose holds a sanctity beyond the parchment of Torah. I started reading Torah in the bathroom at about the same time I stopped believing my parents were gods and the body was the devil. My parents taught us from the beginning that eating in the bathroom was forbidden as you could not make a blessing and say Gods name while pooping. I am not really clear why this was a rule in my house as we never seemed to make blessings on our food unless it was the sabbath or a holiday and yet, this rule stuck. But slowly, over days and weeks, months and years, I let go of this belief and when I did there was no going back.   If the body was Gods, and not the Devils then the body deserved more respect than the book. Without the body, the book is meaningless. And so, I would study in the bathroom, I mean lets be honest the bathroom is the best place to read in the house, and I did not feel that my study should miss out on my deepest focus.
I intuit that the body that was lovingly created by God is a holy vessel and not reading Torah while pooping is actually disrespectful. Who am I to judge shit as bad. My family knows that poop holds a sacred place in my heart as they will all tell you that I love talking about the shape of my poop, especially that one time when it curved around itself forming a double Helix, my very own DNA strand.


Why would God who created me, my body, and my shit, feel disrespected if I shared Gods word in the very place where the body, God so desperately wanted to create was doing its most grounded work. Jews and their purification rituals, exhausting, and in my opinion quite possibly the opposite of what was intended. From dust you are born and dust you shall return.  It is a mini death experience every time we poop. Or as my friend Basya likes to say, “A good poop is like a great orgasm. Both death and orgasm a return to The One.  And yet Annie Dillard who can describe the natural order in sacrosanct terms, who elevates the existence of a spider living behind the toilet to ethereal heights and leaves me feeling the awe of God, makes me want to create the holiness of separation. Maybe the bathroom’s holiness, the ability of the body to relieve itself, eliminating the unnecessary and retaining the necessary coupled with the holiness of the word make the awesomeness, awful. Awe-some awe-full. Why is some awe an amazing feat, but full of awe leaves us in pain? Maybe the holiness of the body and the holiness of Annie Dillard makes me awe-full.  And as  I look down at the title of the book I recognize that Ms. Dillard understood it all along, for the title of the beloved book is “Holy the Firm” and what else is there to say about a good poop. ​​
]]><![CDATA[From Self Judgement to Compassion]]>Thu, 06 Jun 2019 04:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/from-self-judgement-to-compassionI lay in my bed in a pile of self judgement when my cousin Laura texted me asking if I wanted to meet her for the 45 minutes between dropping her daughter at school and a 9:15 meeting. The idea of getting myself out of my shame spiral was enough to get me out of bed, get dressed and walk the 4 crosstown blocks to meet her for 30 min. I had a feeling that Laura, who has developed so many layers of compassion in herself, might help me to snap out of it. We sat on a wooden bench in front of Birch Coffee on Columbus Ave.As we sat there I complained that I am 40 years old and yet to develop a bit of the compassion I need. She kindly looked at me and said, “Esther when did u start working on this?” I laughed and said “ok, fine,  just 6 months”.-And as I took a big mouthful of my cold brew she responded, I understand wanting to be valedictorian of self compassion but you can’t be, that’s not enough time.” I had to seal my mouth shut to keep from laughing and spitting the coffee all over the sidewalk and the oncoming pedestrians. When I finally gulped it down, I spit out a shut up, in that most loving way. A cross between fuck you, and why are you sooooo right? After the shock of my shut up wore off, we both laughed. 

Self judgement has been my mantra for so long, I believed that if I judged myself I would make myself better. The thought that being kind to myself might actually be a better choice never occured to me. The truth is, I don’t think I realized how judgemental I was of myself. And even today when someone holds me with compassion, it hits up against my deepest vulnerabilities. I think it has something to do with a need to blame myself for everything that went wrong in my childhood so as to maintain some semblance of control. If it was my fault, then maybe I could fix it. If it was my fault that an adult exploded in a fit of rage, than maybe, if I was quieter, nicer, thinner, smarter... than I could fix it.  Today that amazing tool that I created to keep me safe in a confusing, painful world is no longer serving me and yet I am grateful for all that it, meaning my self judgement, has given me. It gave me a sense of control in an uncontrollable world and as a child that is exactly what I needed. 

Today I want to give the responsibility back to those that are responsible. It is not my fault and I cannot control your behavior no matter how good I am. Today I want to say thank you to the part of me that holds the judgement that kept me safe. And bring compassion to the parts of myself that have felt harmed and the parts that have judged, so that all of my parts feel welcomed and loved. ​]]><![CDATA[Bereishit:]]>Wed, 23 Jan 2019 05:00:00 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/bereishitA Legacy of Shame

“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” Brene Brown

Two children born to parents who have been ripped from their womb and thrown into a world they are not prepared for, a world with judgement. This is the beginning of the world we live in. Bereishit Bara Elohim might be the begining of creation but the beginning of life as we know it, starts with human connection. “And Adam knew Chavah his wife…” and within the same sentence Adam is rejected as partner, and Chavah connects with YHVH. By the second line, the children of that connection are left to themselves, disconnected from their human parents. Left to explore a world that is foreign to those that conceived them. And they do- Hevel a shepherd and Kayin a farmer. Interestingly our protagonist has chosen to take on the task that was earlier cursed. But today we will not be exploring this story through the lens of who chose the better profession. Rather we will remove the question of why one sacrifice was accepted and one was not. Steinbeck, in his novel East of Eden, discusses this story through the lens of rejection and its aftermath. God shows us the effects of living in a world that holds judgement, suddenly acceptance and rejection hold a power that can determine fate.

Lee answered Samuel. “I think this is the best-known story in the world because it is everybody’s story. I think it is the symbol story of the human soul. I’m feeling my way now—don’t jump on me if I’m not clear. The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt—and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would not be many jails. It is all there—the start, the beginning. One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt; and another steals so that money will make him loved; and a third conquers the world—and always the guilt and revenge and more guilt. The human is the only guilty animal. Now wait! Therefore I think this old and terrible story is important because it is a chart of the soul—the secret, rejected, guilty soul...


For Steinbeck rejection leads to shame, shame to anger, anger to bad action, and we return back where we started, rejected once again.. This cycle leads us down a spiral of shame that keeps us imprisoned.  The rejection, shame cycle is insidious and keeps us from admitting our mistakes, taking responsibility and forgiving ourselves.

Ultimately we have all been rejected at one time or another. But if we grew up in homes with parents that could not mirror back to us our inherent goodness, parents who could not see their own self worth, we are left with a belief that we are unworthy of love. Qayin’s own parents are not found in the text, he is an abandoned child, and yet he finds a way to reach out to YHVH, he tries to come close through a korban (the root krv means to come close)  and is again met with rejection. God triggers his earlier abandonment and he is unable to step out of his pain. Qayin has entered a shame spiral. Brene Brown in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) describes this response.

‘…There’s new brain research that is helping us understand that shame can be so threatening that, rather than processing it in the neocortex—the advanced part of the brain that allows us to think, analyze and react—shame can signal our brains to go into our very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode. In this mode, the neocortex is bypassed and our access to advanced, rational, calm thinking and processing of emotion all but disappears. The primitive part of the brain springs into action and that’s when we find ourselves becoming aggressive, wanting to run and hide or feeling paralyzed; sometimes, without any clue as to why.’    


In our story God tells us that this shame spiral is in our DNA.
:הֲל֤וֹא אִם־תֵּיטִיב֙ שְׂאֵ֔ת וְאִם֙ לֹ֣א תֵיטִ֔יב לַפֶּ֖תַח חַטָּ֣את רֹבֵ֑ץ וְאֵלֶ֨יךָ֙ תְּשׁ֣וּקָת֔וֹ וְאַתָּ֖ה תִּמְשָׁל־בּֽו
If you see within yourself goodness it will expand but if not you will be stuck in a spiral of shame. A moments rejection can trigger a lifetime of hidden shame and lead us to cut ourselves off from connection. God tells Qayin at the end of the story that he will wander the earth disconnected from community not because he is being externally punished but rather because the consequence of living within a  shame spiral is to cut yourself off. Unable to empathize with the other Qayin response to God “Am I my brother’s keeper?” is completely understandable with what we know about shame. One that experiences shame can not connect, they feel unworthy of connection and they will push everyone away.
One child, refused the love he craves, kicks the cat and hides his secret guilt...

]]><![CDATA[Spirals of Truth, Circles of Knowing]]>Fri, 28 Dec 2018 01:52:45 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/spirals-of-truth-circles-of-knowingPictureImage by Lara Evans

Does biblical text feel alienating to your modern day sensibilities?

Do you wonder how you fit into the text?

    Over the years I have looked to the rabbinic tradition to inform my reading of Biblical text rather than searching for my own voice. This has led me to feel distanced from the text, as the Rabbi's ancient perspectives are not usually in touch with my experience. More importantly, I realized that this desire to always look outside of myself has kept me from cultivating my own truth. I have searched to find a way to engage with text that would allow me to uncover my own truths and live in my authenticity. I am excited to say that my recent work in Restorative Justice practice has led me to experience, Talking Circles, used for millennia by Indigenous Peoples in North America. This framework will allow us to explore biblical texts and uncover our own truths through the group process. My belief is that each one of us can relate to the text and bring a deep wisdom to the ever changing conversation. If we see the Bible as a book that mirrors the human condition rather than an idealized version of it, we might find that we too, live within the text.  Starting January 22 you can join me in this conversation we will have an opportunity to look at biblical text with new eyes. A chance to read the ancient stories and create our own oral tradition. Please join me on this journey within. 
To learn more and to register click here.
]]><![CDATA[ReReading Torah- Take another look...]]>Thu, 25 Oct 2018 14:37:28 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/rereading-torah-take-another-lookWe are constantly being bombarded with notions of patriarchy in the world. The Biblical Canon is no different. Living in the liberal Jewish world I am constantly surrounded by friends, colleagues and students, reading the biblical text ready for a fight. Ready to react with incredulousness around the patriarchal ideas within our biblical stories. And yet, if we look at the stories without the rabbinic gloss of "Jewish heroes", we might see something surprising. Our characters and stories, are rife with complexity. A barren mother, Sarai, takes her handmaiden, Hagar, and makes her into a sister wife, to produce an heir. And in a turn of fate Hagar becomes the mother of Sarai’s child and the the tables have turned, the oppressed handmaid assumes authority over the matriarch. And when Hagar feels power over Sarai, and Sarai feels diminished, she takes her power back through abuse.
Cycles of oppression are laid out in front of us clearly and now that we as a world can name those systems we can see that our biblical text is not a guide book for healthy living. Rather a playbook for living within an oppressive society with a hope for change. Living within a system of oppression we are required to fulfill roles that uphold the system. Our Rabbi’s unable to identify that system struggle to make sense of a text that is difficult. They do what they must, to make the text fit with their own values and ideas about life. They flip the texts on their heads to prove that our fore-parents lived ethical lives and were chosen for their greatness.

​But the truth lies in the text not in, rabbinic calisthenics.

​Biblical society is based on a patriarchal system and when one lives within a system, rather than within their own truth they run the risk of oppressing others to maintain the status quo.

]]><![CDATA[Lech Lecha: God's Perspective]]>Fri, 19 Oct 2018 17:40:06 GMThttp://www.estherazar.com/archive/october-19th-2018


Is it possible
Is he the one?
I’ve been waiting so long.
His son died and he realized there must be something more.
He got up.
Picked up his family and left.
Hope rises, they have seen a new world.
Wait! They’ve stopped-
Why are they stopping?
I was so hopeful,
I guess I was wrong.
Who is going to heal the mistakes I made?
I keep trying, and no matter what I have tried I...
Oh wait, look, his son- 
is it possible?
His father prepared him, started the journey, and he’s seen, he’s seen that things can be different.
and he’s begun to wonder what it’s all about. 
He’s prepped and ready. 
Let’s see if he takes the bait,
Can i can peak his curiosity?

“Lech lecha”- go to your self-

Look he stopped, he wondered.
Self what is a self?
Oh wait I think he’s starting to see
there is a world inside,
hidden from others - hidden from himself.
Ah look, a moment of confusion, unsure of what he’s seen.
His curiosity takes him further inside.
I think this might be it...
Lets add a dimension

“lech lecha meartzecha”-go to yourself, from your earth,

​he’s looking around, noticing things never seen before.
Part of something bigger, he looks up at the night sky and sees the earth reflected back to him.
Look at his amazement, his awe
look at his face lit by the moon,
his insides, starting to recognize that they too are part of something bigger.
The land holds him up in this numinous universe.
Is that a question I see?
Ah yes! He realizes that his father knew it too that’s why he made them leave-

But why did we stop? he wonders.

Let me push a little further

“mimoladetcha”from the place of your birth,

ah there it is-
that look, the one that recognizes that something came before, 
and now, there it is, the fall-
the recognition that something will come after,
he remembers his brother, their support taken from them.

​To where? he wonders...
 
​Look, look, can you see it?
His body getting restless just like his father years before.
Lets see, can we push him further,

“mi beit avicha” from your father’s house,

What? Whats that? My father, I need to leave my father?

Oh no, have I gone to far?
Wait, look, there it is -
he sees it- the weight of his past
and how that colors his present, he sees himself in a whole new way.
He begins to strip the layers.
He sees the trauma of his father losing a son.
He sees how that has affected him,
how his father’s ideas have become a weight upon him
that keep him from seeing who he really is,
who he can really be.
This is it
I really found him-
he is the one,
The One I’ve been waiting for-]]>